Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
