Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she told me i tasted like america
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
