Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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