Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
