Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She even gives head with a lisp.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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