so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
