How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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