So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
