Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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