No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
