I accidentally had phone sex last night
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
