I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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