if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
