I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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