9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You made out with two different species that night
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
