we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
