toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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