Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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