WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
