I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
