an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
