Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
