Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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