Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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