my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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