i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
