Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
