took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
