Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
