I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
try to milk me bitch
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
