I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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