i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize