i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
well most of my day revolves around power hour
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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