please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
