my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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