He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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