After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
