Cold hands, warm shart.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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