It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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