How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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