you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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