Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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