fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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