Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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