i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
