I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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