Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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