He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
