Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
