So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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