I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
