we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize