I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
